Home - Nsfw and a trigger warning.
“When you are hiding something, you are always scared.”
When I started to get honest, my life and world started to change. And in a way, this is the most honest work I’ve ever made. I was exposed to abuse when I was 10 years old. Before that, I discovered adult imagery for the first time. Both of these things were a part of me becoming obsessed with sex and wanting to see other people’s bodies. At 10 I started googling things like “Images of real bodies” and “Real naked people”.
I wasn’t concerned with porn, I just wanted something raw and real. I wanted to explore and connect. No kid or even young adult can fully understand and realize these things though. It’s usually just met with shame and confusion.
I masturbated every chance I could and eventually was labeled a “Sex addict”.
I spent years going to addiction groups, in therapy, sitting with pastors, and in accountability groups. I wanted it all to stop, but it didn’t. I’d have days where I felt I was spiraling out of control with “lust addiction”. It was all too much to bear at times. I was never given the chance to explore my body or even explore others without it being labeled as wrong or sinful or a response to something broken inside of me.
As I’ve gotten older and healthier I realized that a lot of what I experienced was just bottled up and mishandled parts of being human. Yes, we have to own our actions and take full accountability, but at the same time, it is okay to explore. It is okay to masturbate. It’s okay to watch and engage with others who are doing the same; even sexually! It is hard to type this out, but it is the truth that sets us free.
When things go undealt with, life gets unhealthy and we become unmanageable. So for the first time, I really started to face myself, my desired wants, and my sexuality.
At 31, I wanted to explore. I wanted to masturbate and not have it be called demonic, unhealthy or a “Sexual Addiction”. I wanted to experience eroticism and watch others do the same. I wanted to not just view erotic imagery, but also make my own. I didn’t quite know how to even say this in a whole-hearted and truthful way that wasn’t wrapped in shame. So, I gave the best that I could and started shooting. It’s been messy, but I think I’m arriving at a better or at least an honest place.
And you know what? People welcomed me in even when I didn’t know where I was going. They gave me the chance to be human, make peace with myself and explore. This is my reason for shooting erotic art and working on this series.
This is “Home”.
